White Flag of Acceptance

Two years ago, my first relationship didn’t work out and he broke up with me. Yes. I am admitting in public that I was dumped by a guy. It was really painful. That was a terrible year for me. I lost my self esteem.

I wrote this downfall in my other blog site (check out my 2014 Downfall piece in soleilandhergenuineness.wordpress.com) And I’ve realized that it took me two years to fully accept what happened.

After a year since the break up without constant communication with him, I thought I was okay and that I have moved on. I’ve been busy with my work then. However, we became together again in a new project for work. I admit that I really felt awkward and uncomfortable and I thought that it’s just normal.

He became single then and we became friends again. I thought I was okay with that. In my mind I am happy with what we had at the moment. I had the familiar feeling of happiness and security with him. We both know that our relationship was beyond friendship at that time.

Until he had a new girlfriend. I tried to control myself and accept everything. That we were just friends. I cannot blame him. We would be different and everything will be complicated if we get  back together. I was even hesitant to get back to him when he asked me a few times about us getting back together.

After that I’ve been trying to avoid him but always ended up giving in to him, missing him, talking to him. And then I’ll avoid him, I’ll miss him and talk to him again. While he is in a relationship. And the cycle goes on for many months. I know in my mind that I don’t want to waste our relationship as friends that’s why I do that but deep inside my heart I know I am hoping that we might get back together again and that he might change his mind and make an effort to keep me.

But I was totally wrong, it took me a lot of pain and time to realize that what I should do is to accept. Fully accept our situation. Accept that true love doesn’t go that way.

And that I have to accept the fact that the time he broke up with me two years ago was the time that his love for me died. I have to accept what has already ended. Because if he truly loves me he will never let me go. Simple as that. I just made everything complicated to compromise his so-called “indefinite love” for me.

After all, I did not regret everything. I’ve been a bad person yes I admit. I know I did a lot of things that is not pleasing to the Lord. But I know in my heart that I have always been sincere and honest to him. I tried my best to keep him but then I know I have to give up because the love isn’t mutual anymore.

And for you: Thank you for all the wonderful memories that we had. You made me a better person, indeed. You know I fought for you until the end and that I have always been true to you. I am sorry for everything. I really mean it.

Honestly, I feel better now at this moment. Now that I have the courage to share this story, I know that I am freeing myself from all the pain of the past. I am not saying that I’ve fully accepted everything but I know I’ve decided that it’s the end where I will begin and that’s a good sign.

Tagalog para intense: Totoo pala talaga na kapag natutunan mo nang bitawan ‘yung mga bagay na nagpapabigat sa’yo mas magaan sa pakiramdam (literally and figuratively haha) at kapag natanggap mo na nang buo ang mga nangyari at ang sitwasyon mas madaling makausad sa buhay.

Out of all the songs out there this song of Parokya ni Edgar says exactly what I have learned about true love. This song was released last year but it took me a year to fully absorb, digest and actually relive the message. That if someone really loves you, he/she will VALUE you. He or she will love you INSPITE of NOT BECAUSE of.

Lagi mong tatandaan na ‘pag umibig ang isang lalake ay handa itong hamakin ang lahat.
Gagawin lahat ng paraan upang makamtan ka at hindi niya kakayanin na ikaw ay mawala sa kanya.

Kung panay ang dahilan,
wag kang magta-tyaga eh ba’t ikaw handa kang ibigay lahat?
Oo na, sige na alam kong mahal mo siya
Eh ang tanong ay mahal ka rin ba niya?
Wag mo siyang tanungin.
Sagutin mo nang sarili mo
alam mo ang totoo, alam mo ang totoo.

Lagi mong tatandaan na ‘pag umibig ang isang lalake ay handa itong hamakin ang lahat.
Gagawin lahat ng paraan upang makamtan ka at hindi niya kakayanin na ikaw ay mawala sa kanya.

Kung ika’y nalulungkot,
aba’y wag kang mayayamot
di ba’t ikaw ang siyang may ayaw bumitaw?
Kung feeling mo mahal ka niya, eh di sige, lumaban ka
pero sana’y ipinaglalaban ka rin niya.
Wag mo siyang kulitin.
Dapat kusa niyang gagawin ang iyong hinihiling.
Di mo pwedeng hingin.

Lagi mong tatandaan na ‘pag umibig ang isang lalake ay handa itong hamakin ang lahat.
Gagawin lahat ng paraan upang makamtan ka at hindi niya kakayanin na ikaw ay mawala sa kanya.

‘Wag kang matatakot na talikuran ang lahat ng ito.
At kung hayaan ka niyang mawala at least alam mong hindi siya para sa’yo.

Lagi mong tatandaan na ‘pag umibig ang isang lalake ay handa itong hamakin ang lahat.
Gagawin lahat ng paraan upang makamtan ka at hindi niya kakayanin na ikaw ay mawala sa kanya.
Basta’t lagi mong tatandaan na ‘pag umibig ang isang lalake ay handa itong hamakin ang lahat
gagawin lahat ng paraan upang makamtan ka at hindi niya kakayanin na ikaw ay mawala sa kanya.

At oo dapat ulit-ulitin ‘yung chorus para tumatak sa isip. 

I am not ashamed of sharing this story because I know this is one of the most difficult downfalls that I’ve experienced so far that made a great impact in my life. And I am proud to say that I am taking the right path of getting through and over it.

I cannot do all of these without God. My faith in him made me realize everything that I should do. I had a deeper relationship with him and I surrendered all my burdens to him. I put my trust in him that all of these has a purpose and that I should just keep my faith.

Yes I am still holding strong (to Him) and staying true.

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